Somewhere life is good, and things go as they should, something that's playing in repeat in my mind. Am I a fool to believe it? Maybe that somewhere doesn't exist in the first place. It's been a while since I've last had time to myself, time to sit down and put thoughts on paper. I'm not the same person I was in 2011, eight years, four breakups, two jobs, one mental breakdown, and one child later. Anything can change in so little time, so imagine what can happen in eight years. If I say everything that happened to me was for the better, would I be lying to myself? Am I happy now? Or was I much happier then? Is ignorance bliss, or is it more like a veil that covers your eyes? Questions brought by my solitude. The number of mental stressors that comes along with simply being alive is immeasurable. There is light at the end of the tunnel, ways to shoulder the weight and burden of everyday living steps anyone can take to lead a more structured life.
I for one have lost my way, I've allowed my emotions to get the better of me, A prideful person brought to his knees by a chemical reaction sent to the brain, love, or so that's what we call it. "love" is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. It hits hard, then it slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage." or maybe a crumbling life. Falling in love isn't a bad thing the problem is when the feelings are not reciprocated, I've loved someone so much that it hurts to imagine her being with another, I lived in fear of my actions, knowing what I was capable of doing in the event she would leave me for another, and when that moment came to light, I lost myself, every muscle in my body wanted to end her, then end my life. Not the first time suicide came to mind, but it was the first time I ever thought about taking another life. Then I remembered my teaching from long ago. In life, there will always be suffering, and "The root of suffering is attachment ." I must free myself from my worldly attachment, this will sound cliche, but if I love her, then I need to let her go, but It's easier said than done. I hated myself, hated who and what I became. All I wanted was relief from this pain, pain from a broken heart, the pain I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. With the teaching of the Buddha, I learned to let go, let go of my obsession, my attachments, and my sufferings. I took time out of my busy day whenever the heartaches resurfaced to meditate if only for 10 seconds, my pain would subside immediately after. Eventually becoming nothing more than a distant memory.
Sometimes I cry myself to sleep. I think it's safe for me to speak the truth and share my deepest emotions and thoughts. I cry myself to sleep due to my stupidity. The choices I make, I always make when things are immutable. Full of regret, anger, wishing things could be different. I once held someone I loved dearly to a higher standard, but due to my crippling fear of being hurt by another, I allowed her to slip through my fingers. Another dumb choice followed by another sleepless night. As I spend the next following nights tossing and turning, I came to an Ephiny. there are no good, bad, or dumb choices, there are only desirable and undesirable outcomes and occasional mistakes. As the night grew longer my thoughts swelled up even more. We make our decisions based on the outcome we desire, but when the outcome falls short or is no longer what we want, it becomes undesirable. For example, if I chose to cheat on my significant other, it wasn't a mistake nor was it a bad choice, the outcome was indeed desirable. But If I cheat on my significant other and get caught, surely I will plead for forgiveness, I will say it was a bad choice or even go as far as saying it was a mistake. what's the difference? well simple, when we say things like "it was a bad choice" or "It was a dumb decision" all we are doing is finding a scapegoat. we are finding the best way to remove the blame from ourselves and placing it on something magical, that same something we had no control over. With my newfound realization, I battled my crippling fear, The world was now a bit brighter, I was able to see the path that was laid out in front of me, the same path that was once clouded by doubt and insecurities. I now have learned how to properly make the decision based on the desired outcome, and If I don't achieve my desired outcome, Ill simply accept It for what It Is and move on.
I for one have lost my way, I've allowed my emotions to get the better of me, A prideful person brought to his knees by a chemical reaction sent to the brain, love, or so that's what we call it. "love" is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. It hits hard, then it slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage." or maybe a crumbling life. Falling in love isn't a bad thing the problem is when the feelings are not reciprocated, I've loved someone so much that it hurts to imagine her being with another, I lived in fear of my actions, knowing what I was capable of doing in the event she would leave me for another, and when that moment came to light, I lost myself, every muscle in my body wanted to end her, then end my life. Not the first time suicide came to mind, but it was the first time I ever thought about taking another life. Then I remembered my teaching from long ago. In life, there will always be suffering, and "The root of suffering is attachment ." I must free myself from my worldly attachment, this will sound cliche, but if I love her, then I need to let her go, but It's easier said than done. I hated myself, hated who and what I became. All I wanted was relief from this pain, pain from a broken heart, the pain I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. With the teaching of the Buddha, I learned to let go, let go of my obsession, my attachments, and my sufferings. I took time out of my busy day whenever the heartaches resurfaced to meditate if only for 10 seconds, my pain would subside immediately after. Eventually becoming nothing more than a distant memory.
Sometimes I cry myself to sleep. I think it's safe for me to speak the truth and share my deepest emotions and thoughts. I cry myself to sleep due to my stupidity. The choices I make, I always make when things are immutable. Full of regret, anger, wishing things could be different. I once held someone I loved dearly to a higher standard, but due to my crippling fear of being hurt by another, I allowed her to slip through my fingers. Another dumb choice followed by another sleepless night. As I spend the next following nights tossing and turning, I came to an Ephiny. there are no good, bad, or dumb choices, there are only desirable and undesirable outcomes and occasional mistakes. As the night grew longer my thoughts swelled up even more. We make our decisions based on the outcome we desire, but when the outcome falls short or is no longer what we want, it becomes undesirable. For example, if I chose to cheat on my significant other, it wasn't a mistake nor was it a bad choice, the outcome was indeed desirable. But If I cheat on my significant other and get caught, surely I will plead for forgiveness, I will say it was a bad choice or even go as far as saying it was a mistake. what's the difference? well simple, when we say things like "it was a bad choice" or "It was a dumb decision" all we are doing is finding a scapegoat. we are finding the best way to remove the blame from ourselves and placing it on something magical, that same something we had no control over. With my newfound realization, I battled my crippling fear, The world was now a bit brighter, I was able to see the path that was laid out in front of me, the same path that was once clouded by doubt and insecurities. I now have learned how to properly make the decision based on the desired outcome, and If I don't achieve my desired outcome, Ill simply accept It for what It Is and move on.
Fast-forward to eight years later, my life Isn't picture-perfect, It's chaotic, but a chaotic life isn't a bad thing, It keeps you on your feet and It's ever-changing pulling you further away from a lonely mundane living, I've clearly learned from my past indiscretions, hopefully, I'm smart enough to never repeat any of them. Between the forks, bump pitfalls and many obstacles I've had to overcome in my life, I'm truly happy, for my hardships have indeed formed me into the man I am today. In retrospect, what we are all missing Is a clear look at how the world around us works, along with discipline and control of ourselves.
Comments
Post a Comment